


Secret

by pantswarrior



Category: Final Fantasy XII
Genre: Community: areyougame, Crush, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-05
Updated: 2010-10-05
Packaged: 2017-10-12 11:09:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/124223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantswarrior/pseuds/pantswarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is someone, or perhaps something, that Larsa knows he can never have. All the same, there is comfort in the dreaming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secret

Penelo, of course, is his best friend. There is nothing secret or even subtle about their friendship; they write letters to one another on a regular basis, and nowadays she visits the imperial palace with rather more ease and frequency than a simple girl from Rabanastre would merit. Naturally, he has heard the rumors - Lord Margrace has given him tips regarding the gathering of servants' idle gossip - and after his initial bewilderment, he has considered them. Someday, perhaps, such an arrangement might prove beneficial to them both; she has already expressed a wish to someday have children, yet the time for a family has not yet come, and she does not care for it to come just yet. And lowborn though she may be, Larsa cares very little for rank when weighed against wisdom.

However, there is another with whom she shares a stronger bond. They are partners, and so she goes where he goes, and he comes when she comes - which means that Penelo does not visit Archades alone.

Vaan is not like Penelo, though the casual observer may believe them to be a matched pair, both fair-haired Dalmascans, civilians of little import. Penelo has both feet planted firmly on the ground, save for those moments when she deems it safe to let herself be swept away; this is why Larsa may write to her, telling her of the issues he faces as emperor. She comprehends the larger picture, and understands such matters as tone and courtesy.

He cannot write such letters to Vaan. Vaan, it seems, had always had one eye on the sky. Once he found his way there, he never again looked down, and perhaps he never will.

Penelo pokes fun at Vaan and his easy distraction, his lack of knowledge when it comes to etiquette. Cheerfully exasperated, she once told Larsa that Vaan would have walked right through the front gates of the palace with a smudged face and engine grease all over his clothing, if she'd not reminded him to clean up.

"Aw, leave me alone," Vaan had told her, giving her shoulder a playful shove. "It's Larsa - he wouldn't mind. Would you?"

"My maids might have objected," Larsa had replied. "But as for myself, not one bit." In fact, he found himself quite enamored with the image that formed in his mind. It was... rather endearing.

His secret is that he looks forward to Vaan's coming every bit as much as Penelo's.

The emperor's world is one of protocol, politeness, careful wording to say exactly what one wishes to impart, rather than what he truly thinks. Always Larsa must watch his tongue, and it is already second nature for him to do so. He is accustomed to following multiple lines of thought, listening earnestly to what one is saying while considering what else may be transpiring in the banquet hall, or among the crowd of petitioners, or within the ranks of the Senate. Even while conversing with Penelo regarding matters they had written about, a part of him is watching Vaan, the way the young man sprawls over the fine furniture, tipping back his drink and looking around at the finery with interest. Interest, but not greed; although Vaan calls himself a sky pirate, Larsa has never feared for the treasures of his family or nation. To Vaan, Larsa is not emperor of Archadia. He is, as Vaan himself stated, merely Larsa. The imperial palace is no palace, but Larsa's home - the home of a friend. Vaan would no sooner burglarize him than he would Migelo or Dalan. Therefore Larsa shows him the same courtesy; Vaan is no sky pirate, but only Vaan, and Vaan is enough.

Larsa doesn't understand why he finds his eyes lingering, except in an intellectual sense. He is of an age where he might find himself attracted to others, and Vaan is an attractive young man; it is a simple enough explanation. But then, Penelo is an attractive young woman, and although Larsa acknowledges it, and cherishes her insight and steadfast friendship, there is something different about what he feels when he looks upon or even thinks of Vaan. Vaan is not someone with whom he could have such conversations as he does with Penelo, and in fact the majority of their conversations are entirely superficial. Yet every time Vaan speaks a word to him, Larsa finds himself subject to a strange, pleasantly tingling sort of sensation. When Vaan laughs, or turns to him with a bright smile, Larsa needs to pause and recollect his thoughts, for he seems to forget all else, his breath catching in his throat.

He never quite forgets, however, that he is the emperor of Archadia, and nothing at all may come of it. There are expectations which he must fulfill, and he has already seen what the servants suggest about Penelo when there is nothing but friendship. Besides, at times he has the impression that Penelo may feel something beyond friendship for Vaan - and Penelo _is_ his closest friend.

He examines it from time to time, however, as a respite from the more pressing daily concerns. He considers what it is about Vaan that has such an effect on him, and imagines himself kissing that smile as he has often felt the urge to do. Perhaps taking Vaan's larger, tanned hands in his own, absent the white silk gloves, and tracing the lines. He can almost see the puzzled, curious look Vaan would give him, and imagines it turning to a wondering smile as their fingers lace together.

It is the smile that defines Vaan in his mind, Larsa recognizes. When he thinks of Vaan, Vaan is always smiling, and not in the way that Larsa smiles. Vaan's smile is open and honest, keeping nothing back, hiding no secrets. Larsa has too many concerns to smile honestly nowadays, though he wonders if he smiles the same way Vaan does when it is only himself and Vaan and Penelo. He knows that objectively speaking, Vaan's life has not been easy, and he must keep something of that trouble inside himself. Yet he smiles - always, Vaan smiles - and it makes Larsa want to smile in return.

It is Vaan himself who leads him to an explanation. Unwittingly, of course; Larsa would not ask directly, and even if he did, Vaan would likely have no answer. Vaan does not concern himself with the meaning behind things, but simply reacts to what is presented.

Currently, he is presented with Larsa alone, as Penelo speaks with Gabranth regarding Queen Ashe. Vaan always has a restless air, fidgeting and shifting, and so Larsa has suggested a walk about the upper levels of the palace. The view is excellent, and there are open-air courtyards. Vaan is, after all, most at home in the sky.

They pause for a moment, Vaan gazing over the edge of a balcony at the gardens and stables below, Larsa gazing at the way the breeze blows Vaan's hair about his face. "...And all of it's yours," Vaan observes.

Larsa cannot help but feel self-conscious, knowing where Vaan has come from. "It is my family's," he replies. "Presently, I am all that remains of my family; that is all."

Vaan nods faintly, sobered somewhat by the reminder. The loss of their families is the one aspect of their pasts they have in common, but in such a land as Ivalice, it is not so uncommon a bond as to be unique. "Still, it must be incredible to live here. To be an emperor in general." Vaan glances over his shoulder at Larsa, and gives him another smile. "I mean, anything a person could want for, you've got it."

"That is..." Larsa is not sure whether it is wise to say it. "...not entirely true."

"Yeah...?" Vaan peers at him curiously, asking without words.

Larsa has written to Penelo of the patronizing remarks he receives from heads of foreign nations when he treats for peace, and the division among Archadians - half of whom still believe that it was the Senate who did in his father, the other half of whom believe it was his elder brother, all of whom distrust at least a certain portion of the current government - and the occasional threats from kingdoms who are in spirit much like the Empire itself was not long past, spotting a perceived weakness and targetting it. He dares not write or speak to anyone of the plots he sees unfurling among the gentry, that he knows all too well how his brother would have resolved them - and that he could do the same, were he willing. Although he has told Penelo how weary he is of the constant eyes of his judges, affording him no privacy whatsoever, he has not explained the assassination attempt one month past which prompted the heightened security measures. Nor has he written to Vaan about any of it.

To a man like Vaan, raised in poverty, Larsa does not feel he could voice such concerns in this context. He has, in a sense, everything Vaan might have lacked, and it feels wrong to complain that it came with a price. "...At times," he tries to explain, "I would like be able to leave. On my own, without an escort - perhaps to spend the night, or many nights, in the desert or the mountains once more. To go wherever it pleases me to go, leaving this world behind me until I choose for myself to return."

Vaan nods again, this time more emphatically. "Freedom," he summarizes, and quite rightly - and the bright smile that so charms Larsa returns as Vaan turns back to look not at the grounds below, but the skies above. "That's why I think, now that I've got my own ship, I've got everything _I_ ever wanted. I can go anywhere."

Freedom \- Larsa echoes the word in his mind, wondering at the simple revelation. That is what he sees in Vaan's smile, what Vaan _is_ to him. Perhaps it's only natural that he should think such things as he does about Vaan, when Vaan is, at his core, the one thing Larsa can no longer have. The thought is a melancholy one, but sweet in its own way...

But then Vaan is teasing him, trying to convince him to run away and become a sky pirate too, and Larsa can only laugh. He thinks, this time, that part of Vaan's smile and all it signifies has lodged itself within him, and he's very tempted to say yes. But once again, even Vaan cannot keep Larsa from forgetting that he _is_ the emperor of Archadia. He has no true choice but to decline.

Yet he can bring freedom back, he reminds himself. Each time he sees Vaan smile, he may look upon it. He understands, however, that he may never again touch it, nor taste it, nor embrace it. It is, like the longing for Vaan himself, a secret he must keep deeply hidden within himself, as a special treasure.


End file.
